It’s not every day you fish a half dead body out of the bay, particularly one with more bullet holes than JFK’s corpse. When we fished the body out of the San Francisco Bay, we assumed he was merely another in a long line of murdered junkies who’s time had come.
As his body was put out on the deck, we were all shocked to see him spasm and cough out, “John York did this to me”, then pass back into a coma. It was only after we emptied his pockets and found the flash drive labeled, “Secret 49er blackmail data” did we realize he meant the owner of the 49ers.
Terrified of what we might find on the drive, we called the police. The SFPD met us at the dock and took a look at the comatose body, and told us not to worry. Apparently this is the normal state for most homeless people in San Francisco. When we told them about the John York reference and the flash drive, they looked at us blankly. It was only when they started laughing and walked away did it dawn on the entire crew that this must be normal, and there was definitely something wrong with San Francisco.
At that moment a man stepped from the shadows, and said that he could answer some of our questions if we let him on board. As we all gathered below deck, he explained that we should call him Mr. Lott, and that the man we found was actually an escaped mental patient. He said that we should “look for a 49er schedule in his wallet” if we didn’t believe him.
In the wallet we found ticket stubs dating back to Superbowl XXIV, and printed copies of 2008 NFL mock drafts, along with laminated note cards comparing Shaun Hill to Joe Montana. It was then that we knew the man we fished out of the bay wasn’t right in the head.
It was then that Mr. Lott produced a small laptop and asked to see the flash drive. After we gave it to him, he plugged it in and opened up photos of a man who Mr. Lott called John York shaking hands with Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden.
“Shouldn’t we show this to the FBI?” we asked
Mr. Lott shook his head sadly and said “If only it were that easy. You see, there’s one last picture that you need to see.”
As he opened the last picture on the drive, we all recoiled in horror after seeing the image of John York, George Bush, Bill Clinton, the Pope, and Al Davis all engaged in a homosexual orgy while NFL commissioner Roger Godell eagerly masturbated we realized that we should dump the body and the flash drive back into the bay and forget it ever happened. As we rolled his body off the side of the boat, we all wondered who Drew Bader was, and how he came across this information.